What does it actually mean To Surrender?

The concept that seems so elusive, a frustrating paradox wrapped into best selling spiritual advice.

When you are up against those impossible moments where every side of a pressing decision or unavoidable circumstance has serious implications, the misty feel of sweat beads gather at your temple.

Somewhere deep inside you feel this essence of an easier way through.

There is always a choice to open, especially opposing a contraction.

That’s when that pesky word, Surrender, whispers its way into your body.

You want to grab it, you want to believe that the solution to doing everything you can possibly think of to solve this current conundrum is to do nothing.

That’s just lazy, irresponsible, neglectful even, your mind says.

Your ego shuts it down almost as immediately as the concept floated in. Then there it is again, the whisper. ”Surrender” it insists.

Every door is slamming shut, every erroneous error is popping up, every elongated detour stands in your planned path forward. Defeat circles around you, I need help you think.

Then the whisper, “surrender”, becomes a scream, only it's in the sound of your own voice! The scream is actually a reply, an exasperated response from you exhales out.

“ I SURRENDER ”

How can we empower the act of surrendering?

The act of surrender is blissful just in the resonance of the words when you speak it

The rub comes from getting into defining a process of actually making it a practice you can rely on.

A tool you can implement when necessary and with confidence. Instead of being struck down by the universe into submission, claws dragging into the earth as you are pulled unwillingly, we can learn to use the process of surrendering practically.

We can break it down to understand how we use this powerhouse teaching of deep wisdom, included in every spiritual lineage there is, without feeling like we’re standing out in a storm just waiting to be struck with the ability to let go and trust.

Excuse me whah?

We can get in front of it, we can learn to live with the current and flow of life.

Actually enjoying the foremost help in creating our reality.

The most rich experience of surrender came to me and this painting was created out of that scene:

There I sat, or tried to sit uncomfortable in every breath, 41 weeks pregnant.

The baby was almost 10 pounds, they told me.

And judging from the vastness of my swollen everything, this could very well be true.

I, however, in a luscious state of denial, tried to disagree.

No way, she’s only about 7 lbs, I’d tell myself. She’ll be here tonight. Tonight is the night, she’ll come out. It will be quick and beautiful and this agony I’m in will end with my beautiful girl in my arms.

Only that’s not what happened that night, or the next, or the next.

With each passing day every shade of defeat tried to edge it’s way into my psyche. Two separate times I even had several hours of intense contractions, only for it to settle right at the point that from all I’d learned was supposed to ramp up dramatically.

I was confused, bewildered, and very stuck.

I knew my baby wanted to be born at home and I had the most beautiful team ready to assist her arrival.

I wasn’t about to give that dream up and take any sort of intervention.

I tried every single hokey-to-completely-logical way to help her make her way out, and still nothing.

“I WASN’T GIVING UP, AND SHE WASN’T HERE YET.”

I could feel every bone, organ, eyelash, and fingernail in that girl’s body.

There was no escaping it.

Every moment was off the chart discomfort.

So what was I to do? I wasn’t giving up on what we wanted and she wasn’t here yet.

Waiting was unbearable and my body literally was telling me it was done.

I was having conversations with it - already preparing for parenthood.

I told my body, in the most loving way possible, “you are absolutely NOT done until you help get this baby OUT. “ But I understood, my body had been an absolute rockstar/all-star/hall-of-fame status athlete for the last 10 months.

The grace and strength in which my body, mind, and soul had created and nourished this baby into existence was absolutely remarkable.

So ordinary - no major anything’s - just grit and love.

So I understood, but it was completely unacceptable to give up now when we were so close to the finish line.

That pep talk went from twice a day to every single hour as the days went by.

In this process, I painted and I surrendered.

I poured myself into this piece and I left the rest up to the universe (and my midwives).

I learned that surrendering wasn’t such an elusive concept.

I unpacked it, I studied it, I embodied it.

I knew this was the most fertile soil to explore this concept.

To understand the process of surrender, it is helpful to look at the origin of the energy.

Surrendering is a feminine energy principle, it is activated when you are in a passive and receptive state.

The qualities of this energy are being, allowing, and trusting.

This is a far cry, or just the opposite poll, from the very goal-oriented action based energy state, also known as the masculine energy principle.

Since so much of our social conditioning is geared towards prioritizing the active energy principle, the passive energy principle can feel elusive, unknown, and even scary.

We can find ourselves not knowing how to access it and with a deep fear of relying on it.

Empowerment of the passive action, is to decide that you are not actively doing nothing, you are actively embodying the feminine principle of being and you are co-creating with the universe.

This shifts your energy from helplessness, to a command station. You command the universal forces to aid you in finding a solution, by allowing it to do so.

Right away you will see that this practice takes cultivating a relationship with yourself and the universe.

That way you understand what you are actually surrendering to.

When you are nurturing your connection to source through a daily practice, whatever that may be to you and is your responsibility to find and cultivate, this state is available to you.

It becomes something you can rely on, and eventually the most reliable thing in your world.

Surrender can be given a process

So to surrender, to drip bliss into a blockade, means to loosen, to soften, to expand possibilities beyond your current sight.

And to do this means to relax your mind, your ego, and your perceived perception that you have to figure this out.

Sounds great, sounds completely divine right? But still totally ambiguous and tough to conceptually put into action.

Surrender can be given a process, and although it will be a process that time and time again you return to each time building new neural pathways that allow for your brain to support, you will begin to trust it as a practice so rich and so blessed that you know without a doubt you are supported.

I’ll align this process with my own experience of full, extra full, term pregnancy and first time birth heading into the unknown, unmedicated, to meet my beautiful baby.

This painting was created on the cusp of that experience.

Let’s dive deeper and break it down.

I believe that there are 4 helpful steps to make surrendering something you can start to explore as a tangible practice.

STEP 1: Release Judgement

“Judgment: the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions”

— New Oxford Dictionary

There it is, all that mental energy, wrapped up nice by your ego, responsible for protecting you and determining how things unfold.

Say goodbye to your normal second to second, trained thought process.

In order to get into a state of surrender, you will have to lean into the idea that you don’t know how things will unfold and that there are potential outcomes with more divine synchronization then your mind has the capability to capitulate.

Your best strategy is to accept that the highest outcome is out of your current foresight and therefore it is pragmatic to release your mind's inherent duty to “figure it out”.

One way to throw a cog in the proverbial hamster wheel of your logical mind is to do the opposite of what you are thinking.

This will give you some reprieve and a little space from the cognitive loop, to allow a receptive nature.

So for me in my waiting for baby game, that looked like what I wanted to do: get confirmation of when this birth was going down. I would call the midwife right now, I would see what my options were to speed things up even if it meant putting some discomfort on the process and I would schedule an immediate appointment with her to get this done.

And what I did instead: got a beverage of massive volume, adjusted the temperature in my living room to the most comfortable, rolled the exercise ball over to my ottoman (in which my husband set up as a makeshift art table), pulled out this half finished piece and painted.

I let go of my need to figure out what was next, and completely immersed myself in the painting.

This decision flowed into my art making. My art at the time was following a very crisp line produced by pen and ink at the end of a piece pattern.

This time I felt the urge to follow that pattern and ink all the edges.

But I resisted, I did the opposite.

This time, perhaps I needed to leave those edges soft, and permeable.

The color palette followed suit, delicate rose pinks and muted mauve mixed with skin tone pastels.

A punch of royal purple and inspiring blue tones composed the butterfly on her shoulder to indicate that a place of surrender would allow for pure empowerment.

STEP 2: Get in the Body

In order to move the energy from head to heart, head to sacral chakra, head to solar plexus, head to well anywhere else your energy needs to be flowing throughout your body.

This is where you will be able to activate your receptive state and it just feels so good.

Your body holds valuable information and calculations, biological processes that are happening on every micro level to nourish your every moment.

So it is effective to get in there and support this ancient wisdom and cellular process.

Get blood flowing and bring life force (prana) to all the parts of your body that are stuck or experiencing tension.

What are your favorite ways to move?

How can you dissolve into the current moment, just connect to your body and really feel it?

In my Supra preggo state, I hardly wanted to participate in this step of the process.

My body was on active protest and shoving a PTO (PAID TIME OFF) demand in my direction. How could I ask it for more?

How could I get into my body and out of my mind? Out of my constant awareness of the discomfort; and more so, the unknown of how long the agony would continue.

The solution slipped in, quiet and softly, I could paint.

I complied, I was after all agreeing to surrender and showing up for the process.

The hours started to pass more delicately. And what happened next shocked me.

Before I knew it, I realized I was actually enjoying some of these moments.

Pouring this incredibly potent, fertile energy into this piece of art.

I had so much to work with and from.

I was letting go and I was feeling connected to myself.

My body was relaxing as much as it possibly could and I was so thankful.

The softness of this energy dripped off each stroke of my paint brush.

A subtle knowing that life as I knew it would be captured in this piece, but also the opening to a new realm.

Everything I knew about myself would change in an instant, and then continue to unfold rapidly. And here I was on the cusp of it all.

I wanted to meet the moment with wonder. To fill the space with a luminous luster of contentment.

STEP 3: Trust

“To be able to exist in a state of trust is the foundation of surrender.”

— Kelly Johns

Now comes the biggie, the part that feels elusive and slippery.

But it’s possible, pragmatic, and probable.

Now you trust.

Trust that a solution is available, and it is on its way, you are simply clearing the path for delivery.

To be able to exist in a state of trust is the foundation of surrender.

It says to the universe, and yourself, that you know you are co-creating with a power that is in support of your highest outcome.

So how do you trust?

How do you know what to trust?

Trust becomes reliable when you practice relying on it.

The energy of trust feels calm, solid, and steady. It’s that feeling you can’t shake.

That feeling that you know if you follow it will all work out.

It’s also the awareness that if that feeling isn’t there yet, you wait.

The way to learn and know this state is to commit to self discipline. Self discipline is self trust.

When you can trust yourself to show up for yourself, you become steady, you become a channel for the universal support to continuously flow into you.

If you demonstrate to yourself that you are reliable, you don’t search outside of yourself for answers.

It’s not to say you will ever stop gathering data and learning from the experiences of others, but in those critical moments when you need to make a decision, your sovereignty comes from being able to rely on your connection to you.

You trust that you will be able to connect to a solution that is perfect for you.

Before giving birth I analyzed a lot of data, and read a lot about the experience of others.

How does this whole birth thing go down and how incredible is the vastness of possible experiences, I wondered.

I was equal parts mystified and stedfast to my path.

To have such a strong conviction of how I wanted things to go, but to also know that the space would require me to be moment to moment flexible in the most transcendental state I’ve ever experienced. A heavy paradox I wasn’t sure how to show up for.

As I stayed steady in my commitment to surrender, the answers showed up, one by one, moment to moment.

I poured myself into this painting and stopped when I heard “and it’s done!” (which all artists know can be the hardest part of a piece).

I soaked up the energy it emitted and hung it up to be my guiding light in the hours to come.

As I layed down to sleep that night, on my avalanche wedge of pillows, I knew something would happen.

Sure enough the process began.

The contractions started slow and steady in the early hours of the morning. By the time the sun was up, I was already exhausted (but somewhat used to the constant state).

My midwife stopped by around breakfast time and was happy with the progress, but wanted to help me go into active labor before my body decided to settle back into a complacent state and try again later.

I heeded her judgement, and there was no second guessing her suggestions.

They were right on time and I trusted every word by the way it felt.

STEP 4: Follow Your Highest Excitement

Now this is the part that feels the most juicy.

It's where your inner-thrill-seeker gets to feel fulfilled and well acknowledged.

You didn’t come to this Earth, during these times, to play small, to stay THE SAME.

The possibility and probability for immense soul evolution is extraordinary.

So you’ve tunned out of your mind, you’ve tunned IN to your body, and you are trusting the messages (and steps) that are coming to you by the way they feel.

Now you are ready to act, you are ready to push through resistance and go for it.

The way you do it is to make expansion comfortable by committing to going outside of your comfort zone, regularly.

Be so used to being uncomfortable that you actually start to crave the adventure of it. You start to recognize the feeling of resistance on top of your highest excitement, and you can actually use it as an identifier that you are on the right track.

Identifying your highest excitement is easy when you simplify it.

In any given moment, what is calling to you that feels the most resonate?

It can present itself like an intuitive download, fast and quiet, slipping past the gates of the mind. But you can recognize it by the feeling. It feels good, and sometimes really good. You want to know more, you want to follow, you want to not do X,Y, Z, so you can do it.

You feel the excitement and normally it’s immediately followed by the mind's resistance.

Some pesky reason you can’t follow. So here’s where it's your game to figure out how to follow these impulses, beyond the resistance, past the discomfort and see where the universe takes you.

You remember the time you just had to have that third cup of coffee (almost against your will) on your lunch break from the job you were so over? The shop was all the way across town, and when you got there you just so happened to meet and have the best conversation with your (fast forward into the future) new boss.

It works like that!

We’ve all had those experiences and they are available to us because we just followed that impulse.

What was pulling me forward during the most pivotal experience of my life? As I exalted further into labor I dropped in deeply and rode the wave. I looked for the resistance and leaned in.

I knew my highest excitement was feeling, actually really feeling the whole birth process.

On the other side of it, 34 hours later, I knew exactly what bringing the most precious little soul through my body and into this Earthly realm felt like.

I knew the moments where I thought I couldn’t go on, but found the strength.

The moments where I was so angry that everyone else in the house were in other rooms laughing, sleeping, eating and waiting for her in comfort; but I got to escort her here and be her Mother.

I cherished the moments where everyone in my care, especially her father, were so tunned into my energy they all showed up in the exact ways that I needed them, at the exact moments. They each brought their individual medicine and held me in a way that let me continue.

When I held my daughter in my arms for the first time, uninterrupted for the first hour of her life, I knew that there wasn’t a moment, or a feeling, that I missed.

If someone were to ask, and they have, what the process felt like here’s my powerful summary:

For me, giving birth felt like continuous moment to moment surrender of letting the power of the universe crack my body open and guide my baby out.

Let’s RECAP:

The Process of Surrender:
STEP 1:
Release Judgement
STEP 2:
Get in the Body
STEP 3:
Trust
STEP 4:
Follow your Highest Excitement

That was me, unraveling this deep spiritual practice in real time.

Into this painting and into the life changing process of giving birth. Since that experience these steps are golden nuggets I take with me into not just the impossible moments, but also the regular situations.

It’s amazing how freeing it is to hand it over.

I know this practice, surrendering, will be one I explore more deeply and learn to use with great reverence, I hope it helps you too.

To Surrender: How to Actually Do It